Social Anxiety Disorder

As I sit here...anxiously awaiting the clock to strike 6 (as once this happens we are on our way to have dinner with some very nice people), I can't help but wonder why I am so afraid of socializing. The second I am told that we will be going to a somewhat social activity, dread creeps up my spine. My mind frantically searches for excuses of why I can't go. But why?? I like people...I like chatting...and I like eating dinner. But for some reason all of these things combined = near panic attack for Andrea. I am thinking maybe it has something to do with my fear of embarrassment...for you see, I am a living "embarassing moment." I am constantly walking into things, dropping things, hurting myself, saying things that don't make sense...but luckily this is usually in the comfort of my own home where the only person to make fun of me is JFC...and I can laugh with him at my lack of grace. But in front of other people...especially other people I don't know that well...my clumsiness is heightened to a whole new level. I will trip on the step the second we walk into the house, if there is a cupboard anywhere near me I will bang my head on it (and then I think for maybe a second no one saw me and then I here the OOOO that looked painful are you ok?? and I say yes of course ha ha ha, as I clench my jaw and try to blink back the tears) I will struggle to answer the simplest of questions, I all of a sudden become afflicted with every speech impediment known to man...stuttering, dyslexia... Add wine to the mix and oh man...you get basically what is pictured above...a red faced frantic woman a few seconds away from a nervous tick. I have trouble controlling the volume of my voice and find myself rambling on for AGES as the other persons eyes go blank. I hate eating in front of other people, and because of this i syke myself out and end up doing horrible things like accidentally spilling my glass of wine (which JFC has become accustomed to the habit of constantly moving away from my flailing arms) or flicking food off of the plate as i am trying to cut into something...in fact just the other night as we are eating with all of JFC's family...I have my plate on my lap and am trying to cut into a potato and somehow my hands slip and I end up with three quarters of my meal on my skirt and the floor. And you can forget about going to the bathroom! My bladder will explode long before I gather courage to ask where the toilet is.
Basically...if my mothers legs were long enough, I would still hide behind them like I did when I was 5 (actually I think I did that up until we moved here). If given the choice, I would probably become a hermit and never have to deal with an awkward situation again...luckily I have people, like JFC, who make me go...and by the end of the dinner I am happy to have been in the company of others and I always tell myself "see remember this next time you get your pantys in a twist about hanging out with other people...ITS GOOD FOR YOU!" Unfortunately that thought is far from my memory by the time another dinner invitation comes our way.